THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

When was the last time you sat across from your partner to talk about the elephant in the room? 

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A big elephant in a room (or even a small one) takes space. I’ve been in many relationships where we didn’t want to speak about the elephant in the room , let alone acknowledge it was in the room it. Being that vulnerable? I’d rather break up and be single. Well guess what? That is pretty much how I used to do relationships.

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Because of witnessing my parents fighting all the time, I swore to myself I’ll never do that. I learned communication by watching them miscommunicating, using the wrong term at the wrong time, not knowing how to come from a place of “I” to express their feelings and instead blaming the other. I pride myself on my ability to communicate with my husband and the few fights we had. Mostly because I was avoiding talking about anything and had few boundaries and was mostly agreeing with everything. 

The thing I didn’t learn from my parents was to talk about the elephant in the room and how to deal with it. 

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It will take me several relationships to understand that talking about what hurts and the shame or guilt we might feel is difficult but oh so necessary for the well being of the relationship. Learning that, talking about that situation I’d rather forget and bury, will actually bring my partner and I closer. 

I didn’t get it right from the first try, I shook, cried, used the wrong term at the wrong time, but practice after practice I became better at it.

I now can start with “Is it a good time to have a serious conversation?” to make sure we are both prepared and we don’t have to rush to be somewhere else with unfinished conversation. I can also say “I don’t know how to verbalize it in a different way and I am sorry if I am hurting you.” to state that my goal is not to hurt my partner. 

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Last Sunday, I asked my partner if he would consent to sit across from me and practice eye gazing. There was an elephant in our room, and with a lot of love and compassion we expressed our feelings, witnessed the others, and talked through it. The elephant left the room without breaking anything. We felt closer than before and very much in love. 

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Do you want to practice talking with an open heart and open mind? I have space available for couples in my coaching sessions. Check out here what I do and what my offers are.

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